When someone hurts us intentionally, it can feel like it pierces our soul. In an abusive relationship, the offenses may be repeated so many times that we lose count. Abuse can be so traumatic that our minds begin to dissociate, shutting down the memory and emotion processing functions of our brain to protect us from the full impact of an event. Wounds that deep usually come from people we trust and love. 

There are abusive people who rarely apologize and it's obvious they are not sorry; they are entitled to inflict pain. Others are more covert and appear to have sincere remorse for their abusive behavior. They beg and plead, invoking our forgiveness by exploiting our empathy. If someone is hurting you, apologizing, then hurting you again, and again apologizing, please understand that this is not an authentic apology. Beloved, when this becomes a pattern, whether they are sorry or not, it is called a cycle of abuse. True repentance leads to a change in behavior. If there is no change in behavior, or the change is temporary, the apology is just a manipulative tool and creates cognitive dissonance, a scenario of "he loves me, he loves me not". Maybe you are still there, enduring the emotional, psychological, or physical assaults. I pray you know that living in abuse is not the plan your Creator has for your life. As I write this, know that I am praying for God to deliver you from Egypt. 

 Breaking free from an abusive person does not always guarantee the abuse will end, it may just change forms. Abuse is about control, and an abusive person doesn't generally let go that easily. They will use any means possible to continue to assert their power, isolate, and punish you. It can feel like an impossibility to forgive the actions of another person who knowingly caused or is still causing you harm. Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:35 to not be like the unmerciful servant and to forgive from the heart. Jesus explains in Matthew 18:22, that we are to forgive not seven, but seventy-seven times. The truth is, we are told to not keep score, even if we could. We are commanded to forgive without limits, from the heart, to forgive even the most grievous offenses. 

 I had mistakenly believed that I had forgiven the abuse, when in reality what I was doing was brushing the offenses off to restore the peace. Living in a hypervigilant state of survival, I hadn't even processed the abuse when it happened. How could I forgive what I couldn't comprehend? When I was in a safer place, the flashbacks started, memories suppressed for decades came flooding back, and I nearly drowned. 

But God: Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And He never left: Deuteronomy 31 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

When God told me it was time to leave, He already had a plan. He provided me the resources I would need for the journey ahead. I got into therapy and started journaling. I began seeking information and reading books that helped me understand what I had been through. I dug down into the roots of what led me to believe that love and abuse could co-exist. I continued to draw closer to God by reading the Bible, fasting, and praying. As I prayed for a renewed mind, I was able to let the voices that had become my inner critic be replaced with God's voice, and He spoke new life into me. The false beliefs, the patterns, the behaviors I had developed, God replaced with Truth. I repented for the idols I had made that came before God and other unrealized sins. Redeemed by God, I was then able forgive myself and forgiveness became a huge part of my healing.  I started taking better care of my physical health. He delivered me of addictions and toxic patterns. I learned to accept my imperfections and realize I am worthy of authentic love. In the midst of the journey, I could finally forgive the person and set the offenses down at God's feet. But as I mentioned, leaving the abusive person doesn't always end the suffering. If your lives are intertwined, they may find other avenues to continue their punishment. God understands our emotions, He gave them to us. He understands the harmful actions of another person can make us angry, but He also expects us to let go of that anger. Ephesians 4:26-27 In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Looking back at Matthew 18:34 The master of the servant was angry and handed the servant over to the jailers to be tortured. Verse 35 continues, this is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.  Unforgiveness gives Satan that foothold to torment our minds and rob us of joy and peace. 

And I cried out in my grief, "The betrayal, God!" And I had a vision of Jesus sitting at the table with Judas close by.

Another time I questioned Him, "Did you hear what they said about me?" And I saw Jesus on trial as His accusers slandered His name. I saw the crown of thorns.

In my anger I asked God, "Did you see what he did?" I got a vision of Jesus on the cross. 

Each time I tried to make an excuse for my unforgiveness, I was mercifully humbled. I was reminded that Jesus understands our suffering and I was overcome with gratitude. Even though He was still fully God, He was also fully human. Jesus was betrayed, beaten, slandered, mocked, abandoned, and then crucified, yet He forgave. 

"Holy Spirit make me more like Jesus." The lyrics to this song are written by Pastor Scott Savage, words I pray when I feel myself slide into unforgiveness. 

He sees our tears, he understands our emotions, and He knows our hearts. Jesus said in Matthew 26:38 "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." He knows. Jesus loves you and He wants you to be free. Ask Him to help you put it down, and to forgive with a sincere heart. There is freedom in letting go, we don't have to continue carrying these offenses. 

May mercy, peace, love, and forgiveness be yours in abundance.

Rae